You know. the kind of person who says "I'm a people person, I love meeting new people." And then they're all like "Let's go to a party because I have so many friends."
Well, you know what? Fuck you people person. Fuck you right in the pooper.
You see, for someone who's good at dealing with other people, conversation with new people is fun. It's a game. You get to know them, they get to know you, it's all good. For me conversation is a terrifying minefield where one slip will send me plummeting to my doom. For example:
Sam: Hi I'm Sam.
Girl: I'm Suzie.
Sam: What do you do?
Girl: I work at a company.
Sam: Really? Tell me more!
Girl: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Sam's Brain: This is fantastic! We've been talking for three minutes and I haven't screwed up yet. Maybe I should say something funny to make things more interesting.
Girl: Sometimes I sneak out with my friends to get hot chocolates.
Sam: Sometimes my balls ache and I get paranoid that it's testicular cancer.
Girl: Uh... what?
Sam: The funny thing is that you have to manhandle your balls to check for cancer, and if you do it too hard it makes them ache, which makes me worry more, which makes me manhandle more, which makes them ache more, which makes me worry more.
Silence
Sam's Brain: Don't look at me like that.
You know you've screwed up when the other person suddenly gives you The Look. The look that contains equal parts confusion an disgust, like you've just offered to take them out to an amusement park so you can take a dump into the open mouth of their mother's corpse.
The instant you get The Look you know it's over. No matter what you say from now on the other person will be thinking only one thing "How the hell do I get away from this conversation?" At that point you might as well go for broke, since their impression of you couldn't get any worse. My usual response is to think "Well, I'm now in an awful conversation. I might as well be in an awful conversation... and nude."
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