Children are dicks.

Ah the happy sounds of children playing. Listen to the way their games take them to magical worlds of imagination. Now listen closer. They're taunting the fat kid. Apparently the wonderful world of imagination they're being transported to is one where he hangs himself.

People often say "kids can be mean," but they always say it in that voice that silently inserts the caveat "but you'll be alright in the end." I think that's wrong. Kids are sinister little bastards, and given half a chance they'll do stuff that crosses the line of viscous and keeps going into down-right dangerous. You see, kids aren't just mean, they're also phenomenally stupid. A potent combination. Don't believe me? Then think back to your own childhood. If you can't think of even one pointlessly mean thing you did in your childhood then you're probably still a horrible person now.

Also, if you're reading this and thinking "what a sanctimonious dick!" My answer to you is this:

I know you are, I said you are, but what am I? 

Keeping in mind that children are stupid, stupid dicks I present to you a story about how awful my friends and I were as children, because it's important to recognise when you've done something evil. Also it was kinda funny...


Yeah, I'm probably still a dick.

When I was a kid I used to hang out with some of the other kids on my block. There was me; my best friend, Jack; and his neighbor, Ben. Jack was the leader of our little gang of snotty miscreants. He was by far the smartest of us, which for a kid isn't saying much. It's like threatening someone by saying "behold! here is the sharpest spoon which I possess!"

Fear me.

Anyway, Ben had a little brother, Alan. For some reason his nickname was Alpal. Who the hell knows why? It's not even a word!

But I digress. Alpal was annoying. I mean really annoying. His voice sounded like a piccolo being raped in an echo-chamber, and he reeked with a potent mixture of rotting piss and dried sweat. I don't think this kid ever washed his hands; he was his own little walking ecosystem. He was a also dumb as a garbage bag full of rocks. He was Ben's little brother, though, so he was always around.

As you can imagine, our evil little child minds rebelled against his presence. Just because he had nowhere else to go wasn't going to stop us making his life a tiny little microcosm of hell. At least Ben had an iota of brotherly love. He prevented the worst of it. Well... sort of.

As I mentioned before, children are dumb. Really dumb. Playing with dangerous chemicals dumb.

Wait, wha...?

One day, rummaging through his house, Jack happened upon a small blue box of magnesium sulfate, also known as Epsom salts. Magnesium sulfate has a variety of uses. In agriculture they use it to correct deficiencies in the soil. Mechanics use it to restore car batteries. It's also one of the most powerful laxatives known to man.

Your day is about to get worse.

You could see the little light-bulbs go on in Jack's child brain. Our leader was forming brilliant plan for a prank to end all pranks.

Jack brought Ben into his plan, and they laid the stage for their hilarious poisoning. They went out and bought the ingredients for milkshakes. That afternoon they retired back to Jack's house to make them. Alpal came too. Jack made the milkshakes, making sure to add a healthy dose of magnesium sulfate to Alpal's drink.

Now an adult who, for some reason known only to themselves and Satan, decided to play this prank would probably read the back of the packet and mix in the recommended dose. That way they could sit back and wait, confident in the knowledge that the bowels of their intended target were well and truly loosened. Jack and Ben decided that the only way to make sure that they were going to get results was to dump it into Alpal's drink like Milo.

How much did they put in exactly?

When Alpal tasted his milkshake he recoiled in horror. It tasted absolutely awful! At this point any normal person would probably think something was up. Jack and Ben had to think fast. Their brilliant excuse for the taste with the perfectly reasonable explanation that they'd added vanilla essence to Alpal's milkshake. After all, vanilla essence is known for the lovely taste of battery acid it lends to things.

Alpal thought this was a reasonable explanation.

Having quieted his fears, Jack and Ben challenged him. The milkshakes weren't just milkshakes, they explained. They were a test. A test of manhood. If Alpal could drink his milkshake as quickly as possible he would prove that he was a man.

A man with loose stools

Alpal swallowed the story hook, line and sinker. He picked up his milkshake and began chugging it down like a fat man drinking lard. He was sweating and making quiet whimpering noises as he tried to ignore the awful, chemical taste. He made it two thirds of the way through the milkshake before he slammed it down on the table, and refused to drink any more.

Jack and Ben held their breaths, waiting for Alpal to suddenly blast off his underpants.

Nothing happened.

Instead of assuming that the laxative hadn't taken effect yet, as any sane person would, Jack decided that there was clearly a problem here. Maybe they hadn't given Alpal a heavy enough dose.

He came up with a plan.

Suddenly, he rushed forward and gripped Alpal by the shoulders.

"Alpal," he said seriously. "You drank that milkshake too fast. It gave you liver cancer. You're going to die."

Alpal was gripped with terror. He started to panic.

"There's nothing we can do about it," said Jack, seriously. "You're going to die. Unless... I give you these magic salts that can save you."

At that point Alpal would have eaten shit from a garbage bin if he thought it could save his life. He begged Jack for a glass of magic salts. Jack was only too willing to oblige.

So Jack and Ben made Alpal his second dose of magnesium sulfate.

This time they wanted to be sure. They mixed an even bigger dose than the last time into a glass of water and ordered Alpal to drink all of it. He did.

Every. Last. Drop.

Three minutes later...

Shitpocalypse

Alpal rushed for Jack's toilet as his body tried to expel its own intestines. When he was done he rushed home, where his body tried again. He crapped and crapped and crapped.

Night fell. He kept crapping.

The average human has around 25 feet of intestines. By now his body had flushed out every solid in his body up to his back teeth. And it wanted more. Alpal kept his entire family up that night, sitting on the toilet screaming as his guts tried to create their own little black hole by shitting out nothing.

We thought it was the funniest thing that had happened in the history of the universe. And that, my friends, is why children are dicks.