The Stuff of Nightmares

By Sam

I have a lot of pathetic nightmares. It's unclear why. Perhaps it's because I have a terrible diet; perhaps it's because I'm an atheist; perhaps it's because I'm the reincarnation of a Mayan priest. We'll probably never know. Whatever the cause, I've had some fairly weak nightmares in my time. Where some nightmares cause you to bolt awake in the dead of night, drenched in terrified sweat, these ones tend to quietly shake you awake and whisper "what the hell is wrong with you?". To illustrate my point I have decided to list four of the crappier nightmares I've had, along with an interpretation of their meaning by noted dream therapist Dr Velveeta Vandersplat:

Fridgepocalypse

I once had a dream about an evil fridge. It started with this one ominous fridge standing on its own, but as soon as I blinked there were suddenly fridges on either side of it, stretching as far as the eye could see. It slowly dawned on me that I was standing in a gigantic circle of evil sentient fridges. Also, we were in space

What it means (Dr Velveeta Vandersplat):

This dream tells me that Sam harbours a deep seated fear of modern technology. He has carried this sense of mistrust with him ever since a betrayal in his childhood. Most likely he was molested by a cartoon character, or possibly an electrician. Maybe his brain is just telling him it thinks he's really fat.

Dog-underpants Tomb Raider

In this dream I was walking through a sewer, hunting Lara Croft. My only item of clothing was a loincloth, made of a severed dog's head. I found her next to a lake of wee, and we got into a fight. I almost drowned, and she ran away. I swear it wasn't a sex thing.

What it means (Dr Velveeta Vandersplat):

This was a sex thing. Sam sees sex as dirty, which is why he surrounded the unattainable sexual idol of his childhood with representations of sewage. Also, he needed to pee. Also, how do you make a loincloth out of a dog's head?

Tetris Hercules

I found myself in a trapped in the world of tetris, right at the bottom of the game. One of the long blocks fell down next to me, and I noticed that it was made of little square tiles that I might be able to climb up. I started trying to climb, but the tiles were too slippery. Eventually I gave up because I had to hit the animated Hercules with a block of wood as he fell out of the sky.

What it means (Dr Velveeta Vandersplat):

Uh, Sam feels trapped in a world of... uh. Usually when I get a weird one like this I just tell the person they harbour sexual feelings for their mother and leave it at that, so yeah, Sam totally wants to bone his mum. Or his dad. Or Hercules.

Revenge is a dish best served boring.

The father of one of my friends killed my father because of a crime he hadn't committed. I vowed to take my revenge on him by killing his entire family, and then killing him (for some reason my friend was more concerned about me killing her father than the fact that this vow apparently included her). Anyway, I went to wreak my horrible revenge on my enemy, but we ended up getting into a petty semantic argument. I ended up letting him live, but concluded that he was kind of a dick.

What it means (Dr Velveeta Vandersplat):

This dream tells me that Sam is the kind of person who promises a huge payoff, but is ultimately unsatisfying. In other words, he's the kind of guy who works towards a climax that never quite arrives. He's really bad in bed, I guess would be the general thrust of what I'm saying.