Animal Love

By Sam

 

If you had to fuck an animal, what animal would you choose? It's an important question that has plagued philosophers for centuries.

Now I know that some moral whingers will get all prudish on me and be all like “wah wah wah, sex with animals is wrong! They're dumber than we are, and they're ugly!” but I submit to you that their protests mask their hypocrisy. Some really ugly people look a lot like animals, and no one seems to protest when they have sex (as long as it's in the dark); and the police don't arrest people for having sex with Lindsay Lohan, even though she clearly has the brain of a parakeet.

It would be shallow of us to deny the pleasures of love to someone with Mickey Rourke's looks and Lindsay Lohan's brain, but the instant you label them with pigeon hole terms like “mountain gorilla” or “chimpanzee” suddenly I'm going too far. Well, I will be silent no longer. If we are to break the shackles of an unjust society it must be through open minded philosophical examination. To that end I present to you a list of five animals that you might consider having sex with, along with the pros and cons of my experience having sex with each:

French Poodle

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi pompoms?

Pros:

- Careful owners ensure freedom from disease.

- Snooty pampering stops dog from running fast enough to escape.

Cons:

- French Poodles are the gayest dog on earth. Having sex with one might make you gay.

Fifi was all that a man imagines when he thinks of poodle sex: fluffy, trimmed fur; yappy enthusiasm; healthy teeth, maintained by a steady diet of milk bones. Unfortunately I had to use the promise of a walk to entice her out of her kennel. Felt an absolute heel when she discovered my betrayal. Even dog biscuits couldn't smooth that one over.

Overall experience: 2 out of 5.

Cougar

I see you.

Pros

- Already has a name associated with human sexuality.

- If you paint one blue it kind of looks like the blue chick from Avatar.

Cons

- Unstoppable killing machine capable of rending you limb from limb.

No zoos were willing to allow me to have relations with any of their cougars, not even the dying ones. This left me with no option but to seek one out in the wild. I thought it would be hard to find one like this, but as it turned out she found me (the little minx*). Being a wild cougar she didn't have a name, so I called her Honeyfluffy. I won't lie to you, from what I can gather, cougars like it rough. Sex only began after Honeyfluffy pounced on me in a vicious blood-lust. I suffered a variety of lacerations to my head and throat, but her attitude changed a little during the actual sex; I've never seen that look of surprise on any cougar in a documentary. I assured her that we were both doing our part for interspecies relations, but that didn't stop her biting off three of my fingers.

Overall experience: 2 out of 5.

* Actually, not really a minx. That's a different animal.

Chimpanzee

Please, be gentle.

Pros

- Closest human relative, so you can imagine you're having sex with a really baggy, hairy old woman.

- Capable of basic sign language, allowing you to mime the weird sex stuff you want to do before you do it.

Cons

- Might beat you to death with a rock.

Well... this sexual encounter didn't go exactly as I expected. My initially unwilling partner was a circus chimp named Leia. Her unwillingness to participate evaporated rather early on in our tryst, upon her discovery that she was a great deal stronger than I was. I found myself forced into a submissive role, as Leia violated me with a number of objects in her cage. At one point she smeared me with her poo, and jumped on my head. Later on she tried to eat my face.

Overall experience: 0 out of 5.

Pig

This picture really doesn't capture the smell.

Pros

- Highly intelligent.

- We eat them – no awkward morning afters.

Cons

- Bristles chafed my wang.

- Oinking is a very un-sexy noise.

Porkchop smelled bad, like really bad. It seemed to me a mixture of compost and rotting faeces. When I pounced on her she was eyes deep in a trough of kitchen scraps and old porridge. The noise she made as I introduced her to my flesh trumpet sounded like an elephant being crushed under a bus. It wasn't long after that that she evacuated her bowels. Talk about a mood killer. Someone needs to tell pigs to pick up their act if they want to hold onto a man.

Overall experience: 1 out of 5.

Sea Cucumber

I guess it kind of looks like a spiky dong?

Pros

- Uhhhhhh...

Cons

- Poisonous?

Okay I'm going to come clean here. I only included the sea cucumber on the list to prove I wasn't prejudiced. How do you fuck something like this? It doesn't even have an orifice.

Overall experience: ? out of 5