The Very Thirsty Caterpillar

By Sam

 

Not on my watch.

We live in a cynical age; an age of recessions, racial tension and media spin. Once valuable children's books, like The Very Hungry Caterpillar, are being left behind. What sort of lessons are they teaching the nation's children? That caterpillar's become butterflies? Not your caterpillar sonny. Your caterpillar is becoming a chartered accountant with a wife who hates you and four kids with ADHD - and that's only if you're lucky. I think it's time we reimagined these out-dated children's books, and gave them a more realistic snapshot of contemporary society. I think they need to know what life is really like for little caterpillars these days.

The Very Thirsty Caterpillar

In the light of the moon lay a drunk caterpillar.

On Sunday morning - bluuuurg - the caterpillar awoke with a hangover and threw up on his clothes. He started to look for some booze.

On Monday he physically abused his his girlfriend. He went to her house and broke her occipital bone with a lamp. "I've got nothing for you, you violent fucking bastard," she told him.

"I should shut that bitch mouth of yours for good," he shouted back.

But he was still thirsty.

On Tuesday he exposed himself to a homosexual couple in the park.

"Check out my massive fucking dong you fags!" he yelled at them.

But he was still thirsty.

On Wednesday he spent three hours with a prostitute who carried a virulent sexually transmitted disease. He called her all manner of degrading names that she didn't understand, because she had illegally immigrated to escape persecution in her country. He tried to argue with her pimp about the bruises he left on her back.

But he was still thirsty.

On Thursday he broke into a house, and stole four hundred dollars in cash and alcohol. For good measure he jerked off onto the sheets in the master bedroom, then took a dump on the floor.

But he was still thirsty.

On Friday he drank five casks of goon and assaulted a liquor store cashier when he was refused service.

"Go back to your own fucking country you filthy terrorist wog!" he shouted.

He smashed some bottles on the floor, and ran when he saw the cashier phoning the police.

But he was still thirsty.

On Saturday he drank a bottle of Listerine for the alcohol content - yelled racial epithets at a Vietnamese bakery - made inappropriate sexual advances on a teenager - kicked a vending machine for not giving him free food - tried to attack a bouncer at a pub - ate a meat pie at a petrol station without paying for it - thew a rock at a bus - called a stranger a "limp dick fucking loser," for not giving him a cigarette - urinated in an alley behind a bakery - and told a friend "I would totally fucking rape some of those Asian chicks, because they've got tiny tits and tight cunts."

That night he lost bowel control in his sleep.

The next day was Sunday again, and the caterpillar was hungover. Now he wasn't thirsty anymore - and he wasn't drunk anymore. He was suffering the ill-effects of alcoholic toxins, and writhing in a bed of his own faeces.

He stayed inside his small house, and spent his time watching porn. He stayed inside for more than two weeks. The only contact he had with the outside world was when two students doorknocked his house, asking him to sign a petition against reduced funding to the arts.

"Why should I pay for homos to such each other's cocks?" he told them.

Then one day his door was punched in and... it was the police - coming to arrest him for the burglary on Thursday. They had matched the DNA from his semen to a previous sample, which he had been forced to give following a sexual assault charge.

Due to his previous record, the caterpillar was sentenced to 12 years in prison. On his first day in prison he met his cell mate: a white supremacist named Jason, who was in prison for stabbing an indigenous man with a butterfly knife. The caterpillar tried to break the tension with a joke.

"Why is a pap-smear called a pap-smear?" he said. "Because no woman would get one if it was called a cunt-scrape."

"Hey, that was funny. You're a funny guy," said Jason, as he undid his fly. "I think I'm going to enjoy having you as a cell mate."

The End.