Back to the polls!

MEDIA RELEASE
Monday August 23 2010

FAMILY FIRST CALLS FOR ANOTHER ELECTION

Family First Ex-Leader Ex-Senator Steve Fielding has today called for the election to be re-held.

“Clearly the people of Australia have been brainwashed into thinking they don’t want a government,” Ex-Senator Fielding declared today. “The fact that Family First again received 0.002% of the vote this time around, when last time that was enough to give us a voice in the Senate, but this time we won no seats, means that the system has a screw loose.”

Ex-Senator Fielding will use his remaining time in the Senate to push for a re-vote, so that Australians will have the chance to better express their desire for a Family First member in the parliament.

It's election time.

From the desk of Your-Brain-on-Coffee political reporter Benson Wong comes another two snapshots into the mind of Steve Fielding.

MEDIA RELEASE
Friday August 20 2010

FAMILY FIRST TO LAUNCH CAMPAGNE ON ELECTION EVE

Family First Leader Senator Steve Fielding has announced that Family First’s long-awaited campagne launch will take place tonight, on Election Eve, and will be a dazzling and spectacular effort that will convince voters in the safest seats that Family Fist is the party for them.

“Family First’s strategy is to target safe seats, not marginal ones, because there’s more voters in them,” Senator Fielding explained. “Why do the big parties only campagne in about twenty seats, when there’s a hundred and fifty up for grabs?”

An Involuntary Interview with Taylor Lautner.

By Sam.

It was 10:00am on an otherwise pleasant Monday morning when I was awoken by a strange, clattering, banging noise from my door. I started awake and choked down the stale bile of last night's drinking binge. The left side of my face was still slick with drool that had the sour smell of wine. The banging was becoming more insistent. I could hear the protesting shriek of the hinges of my security door. I went to see what was happening.

Opening the front door I was greeted by a strange sight. There was a tanned, shirtless man with sculpted pecs and rippling abdominals. He appeared to be passionately dry-humping my security door. To be honest I felt a little bad interrupting him. It was an intimate moment.

You look a lot like a door right now.

"Yeah!" he screamed. "Yeah! Take it! Just like that!"

"Uh, can I help you?" I asked.

"You the journalist?" he demanded.

"What?"

"The journalist man, the fucking journalist. I'm meant to be having an interview now. I'm fucking Taylor fucking Lautner. I'm the fucking werewolf from fucking Twilight. My fucking agent told me I was having an interview with a fucking journalist. Fucking fuck journalist wasn't fucking at the last fifteen places I fucking fucked, so I guess it's you."

"My, that was a lot of expletives in one sentence," I observed.

"You speak like some kind of fag," he said. "Can I come in? I'm coming in."

Before I could stop him, Taylor pushed past me into my living room.

Nicknames can be misleading.

If we stop oppressing the oppressed it will render the term meaningless.

Your-Brain-on-Coffee political reporter Benson Wong has been snooping around the office of Family First Senator Steve Fielding again. I'm starting to suspect they may be having an affair. He brought us this exclusive, stolen from the desk of Senator Fielding's media advisor.

MEDIA RELEASE

Wednesday 11 August

GAY RIGHTS UNDER THREAT UNDER LABOR

Family First Leader Senator Steve Fielding today announced that only a Family First government will be qualified to protect the rights of gays and other social minorities. His comments came in the wake of the criticism that was directed at his colleague, Queensland Senate candidate Wendy Francis, over the weekend. Wendy Francis’s comments were taken out of context, and Senator Fielding felt that he needed to speak up to set the record straight.

“Only Family Fist will be able to make laws about gay people without offending not gay people,” he said yesterday. “As a party that is definitely not gay, we are the ones who are best equipped to bring an un-biased approach to gay law-making, especially about things like families.”

Under Family First’s ambitious new pro-gay agenda, gay people will not be allowed to have marriages, de facto (not real) relationships, children, adoptions, tax breaks or divorces. This will bring return the edginess and mystique to the gay community that has been so sorely lacking for such a long time.

The secret lives of daleks.

 

By Gnome.