Back to the polls!

MEDIA RELEASE
Monday August 23 2010

FAMILY FIRST CALLS FOR ANOTHER ELECTION

Family First Ex-Leader Ex-Senator Steve Fielding has today called for the election to be re-held.

“Clearly the people of Australia have been brainwashed into thinking they don’t want a government,” Ex-Senator Fielding declared today. “The fact that Family First again received 0.002% of the vote this time around, when last time that was enough to give us a voice in the Senate, but this time we won no seats, means that the system has a screw loose.”

Ex-Senator Fielding will use his remaining time in the Senate to push for a re-vote, so that Australians will have the chance to better express their desire for a Family First member in the parliament.

It's election time.

From the desk of Your-Brain-on-Coffee political reporter Benson Wong comes another two snapshots into the mind of Steve Fielding.

MEDIA RELEASE
Friday August 20 2010

FAMILY FIRST TO LAUNCH CAMPAGNE ON ELECTION EVE

Family First Leader Senator Steve Fielding has announced that Family First’s long-awaited campagne launch will take place tonight, on Election Eve, and will be a dazzling and spectacular effort that will convince voters in the safest seats that Family Fist is the party for them.

“Family First’s strategy is to target safe seats, not marginal ones, because there’s more voters in them,” Senator Fielding explained. “Why do the big parties only campagne in about twenty seats, when there’s a hundred and fifty up for grabs?”

An Involuntary Interview with Taylor Lautner.

By Sam.

It was 10:00am on an otherwise pleasant Monday morning when I was awoken by a strange, clattering, banging noise from my door. I started awake and choked down the stale bile of last night's drinking binge. The left side of my face was still slick with drool that had the sour smell of wine. The banging was becoming more insistent. I could hear the protesting shriek of the hinges of my security door. I went to see what was happening.

Opening the front door I was greeted by a strange sight. There was a tanned, shirtless man with sculpted pecs and rippling abdominals. He appeared to be passionately dry-humping my security door. To be honest I felt a little bad interrupting him. It was an intimate moment.

You look a lot like a door right now.

"Yeah!" he screamed. "Yeah! Take it! Just like that!"

"Uh, can I help you?" I asked.

"You the journalist?" he demanded.

"What?"

"The journalist man, the fucking journalist. I'm meant to be having an interview now. I'm fucking Taylor fucking Lautner. I'm the fucking werewolf from fucking Twilight. My fucking agent told me I was having an interview with a fucking journalist. Fucking fuck journalist wasn't fucking at the last fifteen places I fucking fucked, so I guess it's you."

"My, that was a lot of expletives in one sentence," I observed.

"You speak like some kind of fag," he said. "Can I come in? I'm coming in."

Before I could stop him, Taylor pushed past me into my living room.

Nicknames can be misleading.

If we stop oppressing the oppressed it will render the term meaningless.

Your-Brain-on-Coffee political reporter Benson Wong has been snooping around the office of Family First Senator Steve Fielding again. I'm starting to suspect they may be having an affair. He brought us this exclusive, stolen from the desk of Senator Fielding's media advisor.

MEDIA RELEASE

Wednesday 11 August

GAY RIGHTS UNDER THREAT UNDER LABOR

Family First Leader Senator Steve Fielding today announced that only a Family First government will be qualified to protect the rights of gays and other social minorities. His comments came in the wake of the criticism that was directed at his colleague, Queensland Senate candidate Wendy Francis, over the weekend. Wendy Francis’s comments were taken out of context, and Senator Fielding felt that he needed to speak up to set the record straight.

“Only Family Fist will be able to make laws about gay people without offending not gay people,” he said yesterday. “As a party that is definitely not gay, we are the ones who are best equipped to bring an un-biased approach to gay law-making, especially about things like families.”

Under Family First’s ambitious new pro-gay agenda, gay people will not be allowed to have marriages, de facto (not real) relationships, children, adoptions, tax breaks or divorces. This will bring return the edginess and mystique to the gay community that has been so sorely lacking for such a long time.

The secret lives of daleks.

 

By Gnome.

Australia to be removed from Australia.

Exclusive by Benson Wong, Your-Brain-on-Coffee Political Editor.

MEDIA RELEASE
Monday August 9 2010

FAMILY FIRST TO EXERCISE MAINLAND FROM AUSTRALIA'S MIGRATION ZONE

Today, Family First Leader Senator Steve Fielding announced an ambitious policy to ensure that illegal boat people are not able to reach Australian shores.

"For too long, Australians have endured the endless stream of boats from Afghanistan and other places, and it’s time they were stopped. To do this, Family First has decided that dramatic action needs to be taken. If they won't stop coming here, then we need to change where here is so that it's there. That way, when they're there, they'll realise that it's pointless coming here, because it's there, but a different there from the there their aleady in. I think I make myself clear."

“We will begin by introducing border security laws to remove the mainland of Australia from Australia’s migration zone, thus preventing any boats from reaching our shores and claiming asylum. The only place where the boat seekers will be able to land and claim asylum will be Tasmania, but it will be jolly difficult sailing a rickety boat that far!” Senator Fielding said yesterday.

Dr Wizard tells it like it is.

A letter to that smug guy in all your classes.

By Sam

This is a letter to the smug metrosexual guy in one class of mine, but it's also a letter to that same insufferably smug metrosexual guy that seems to turn up in every class. It's like there's a whole army being cut from the same smug metrosexual cloth, so the same guy keeps turning up in every class for every subject. You know the one I mean. I think it's about time someone told him that he needs to stop acting like a douche, or we're going to tear off his moisturised skin, and use it to make war drums to warn all other smug fools of the fate that awaits them.

*bonk bonk* I hate you. *bonk bonk*

Dear Smug Guy,

It's Sam here, from Your-Brain-on-Coffee. We've been in the same classes for a while now. I'm not sure if you're following me, or I'm following you, or we're both following each other in some strange bird-like mating ritual. Whatever the reason though, I've had a while to observe your behaviour now, and there are a few pointers I have that might help you to act more like a decent human being:

Intelligence is not a moral virtue.

It's not the size, it's how you use it.

Why I fear the word "apples".

It's time to declare war on the sea.

Your-Brain-on-Coffee political reporter Benson Wong recently filed this draft media release from the office of Family First Senator Steve Fielding. It is presented here with original spelling.

When I asked Benson how he found it he laughed heartily, and had his butler give me a "lively thrashing."

    MEDIA RELEASE
    Wednesday August 5 2010

    FAMILY FIRST TO LOWER SEA LEVELS

    Family First Senator Steve Fielding has announced a radical new policy to ensure that Australia is not swamped by rising tides in the next century.

    “It’s so simple,” he said, “I can’t believe Julie Gillard and Tony Abbo haven’t thought of it before.”

    Speaking from his bath, Senator Fielding observed that water levels go up when things are put into the water, thus displacing it. “As a trained and qualified engineer, I feel I can confidently use the word “displacement” without fear of contradiction,” he added. “So if we want the water levels to go down again, shouldn’t we just take more things out of the sea?”

How to win at relationships.

Your-Brain-on-Coffee mocks the 2010 election.

In about two weeks Australians will be going to the polls to vote in the finals of the reality show that's come to be known as "The Federal Election." With that in mind, I'd like to introduce the Your Brain on Coffee political reporter: Benson Wong.

Benson is a mysterious figure, he insists that we can only meet him in darkened motel rooms stinking of broken dreams and hooker vomit. There he gives us the low-down on the real workings of federal politics as he drinks fine cognac from a blue plastic sippy cup. I once asked him a stupid question, and he threatened to hold me down and give me an arabian death mask. I was too scared to google what an arabian death mask was.

As a poltical insider Benson is privy to things that mere mortals would never be allowed to see, but he allowed Your Brain on Coffee to publish some of his secrets. He was recently snooping around the office of Family First Senator Steve Fielding.

Note: for those of you in the UK, Family First is a little like the British National Party, but not really. For those of you in the US, Family First is like the Republican Party, but not really.

    MEDIA RELEASE
    Friday July 30 2010

    PRIVATE ARMIES FOR ALL AUSTRALIAN STATES

    ‪Family First Leader Senater Steve Fielding has called for individual armed forces for all Australian states and territories.

    “For too long, the states have had to endure the constant military threat posed by each other, and it’s about time that was fixed,” the Senator said yesterday.

    Family First’s policy would be to fortify all the borders in Australia, with guard towers every 20 metres and electric fences along their full length. The electricity would be generated by a system of bicycle-powered generators operated by imprisoned boat seekers, who would work in 12 hour shifts.

   

How much would I have to pay you to do what I did?

When I was eighteen there was a brief period when poker was all the rage among people I knew. It was one of those strange phenomena which seemed to cross all social boundaries without rhyme or reason, like skateboards or tazos.

Remember these?

As far as games go, you can do a lot worse than poker. I enjoyed it. The rules were easy enough to pick up, and the game became relatively interesting once you knew a few tricks. It was also an excuse to drink. That was the bit that got me in trouble.

It was a cold winter night. I was getting over an infection around one of my wisdom teeth, with the help of some antibiotics. I had an invitation to hang out with my friends. They'd recently acquired a poker set, complete with casino chips, and they were keen to have a few games. It sounded fun to me, and my teeth were feeling okay, so I went.

It was already quite late when I got there, but none of us had eaten dinner. We decided to make the best dinner a group of eighteen year-old boys could think of: fuck-tons of potato wedges. We filled the oven with tray after tray of frozen wedges and gorged ourselves on their delicious, oily goodness. We washed it all down with beer, and a good lot of wine. I held off at first, I remembered hearing somewhere that alcohol and anti-biotics didn't mix, but the siren call of alochol was too tempting. I had one glass, then two, then three. After that I stopped counting. At the point that none of us could stand to eat another starchy wedge of potato we sat down to play some poker. While we were playing we decided to have some more wine. After all, you can't play poker without booze, that would be like turning up to your sister's wedding without your gimp mask.

Hey, look over there. Uncle Dave forgot his mask too.