Your-Brain-on-Coffee mocks the 2010 election.

In about two weeks Australians will be going to the polls to vote in the finals of the reality show that's come to be known as "The Federal Election." With that in mind, I'd like to introduce the Your Brain on Coffee political reporter: Benson Wong.

Benson is a mysterious figure, he insists that we can only meet him in darkened motel rooms stinking of broken dreams and hooker vomit. There he gives us the low-down on the real workings of federal politics as he drinks fine cognac from a blue plastic sippy cup. I once asked him a stupid question, and he threatened to hold me down and give me an arabian death mask. I was too scared to google what an arabian death mask was.

As a poltical insider Benson is privy to things that mere mortals would never be allowed to see, but he allowed Your Brain on Coffee to publish some of his secrets. He was recently snooping around the office of Family First Senator Steve Fielding.

Note: for those of you in the UK, Family First is a little like the British National Party, but not really. For those of you in the US, Family First is like the Republican Party, but not really.

    MEDIA RELEASE
    Friday July 30 2010

    PRIVATE ARMIES FOR ALL AUSTRALIAN STATES

    ‪Family First Leader Senater Steve Fielding has called for individual armed forces for all Australian states and territories.

    “For too long, the states have had to endure the constant military threat posed by each other, and it’s about time that was fixed,” the Senator said yesterday.

    Family First’s policy would be to fortify all the borders in Australia, with guard towers every 20 metres and electric fences along their full length. The electricity would be generated by a system of bicycle-powered generators operated by imprisoned boat seekers, who would work in 12 hour shifts.

   

Senator Fielding also said that this policy would prevent illegal asylum seekers from South Australia from trespassing into Victoria.

    “South Australiaers are not welcome in the Great State of Victoria,” Senator Fielding declared on his website this morning. “They would be locked up like the miserable boat seekers they are just like.”

    The policy has received a very positive response from Family First focus group panels, with the strongest praise coming from the panel chaired by Senator Fielding himself.

    “We have decided that there is no reason why every Australian state can’t have their own security force to defend themselves from other statesians who want to come in and rip off the hard-working people in the states. We have a real plan for moving action forward, and the other parties can’t possibly match us for policy originality and timingliness,” said Senator Fielding.

    MEDIA RELEASE
    Monday August 2 2010

    FAMILY FIRST TO LAUNCH ALPHABET REFORM POLICY

    Family First Leader Senator Steve Fielding and the candidate for McEwen Councillor Belinda Clarkson were in Albury today, where the Senator announced plans to abolish some letters of the alphabet.

    “For too long, dyslexic Australians like myself has struggled to make words with the baffling number of letters to choose from in the current alphabet. Family First is responding with an ambishus policy where we will abolish some alphabet letters.”

    Letters to be abolished under the plan include E, K, X and W, although Senator Fielding has flagged the possibility that more may be removed as well. In Senator Fielding’s experience, these are the letters that have caused him the most difficulty, and by extention, are the most problematic for all Australians.

    “I have been dyslexic for many years, and it has caused me to be left adrift in many conversations where other, not-dyslexic people have been able to use letters that are completely unaccessible to me,” the Senator said today. “It is unfair and un-Australian that some people should be allowed to be smarter than other people because they can use more letters than others.”

    “If Family Fist is elected to government, we will implement this plan straight away, without waiting for Parliamentary approval. In fact, all future election material from Family First will henceforth abolish the use of these letters, and maybe some others too.”

    The Senator was also asked about other policies, but declined to comment. “We will only be announcing one policy at a time in this campagne, because more than that would be too many for lots of Australians to understand and swallow.”

That's all from Benson at the moment. He said he was off to father nine sons, and he wouldn't tell me why.