By Sam
This is a letter to the smug metrosexual guy in one class of mine, but it's also a letter to that same insufferably smug metrosexual guy that seems to turn up in every class. It's like there's a whole army being cut from the same smug metrosexual cloth, so the same guy keeps turning up in every class for every subject. You know the one I mean. I think it's about time someone told him that he needs to stop acting like a douche, or we're going to tear off his moisturised skin, and use it to make war drums to warn all other smug fools of the fate that awaits them.
*bonk bonk* I hate you. *bonk bonk*
Dear Smug Guy,
It's Sam here, from Your-Brain-on-Coffee. We've been in the same classes for a while now. I'm not sure if you're following me, or I'm following you, or we're both following each other in some strange bird-like mating ritual. Whatever the reason though, I've had a while to observe your behaviour now, and there are a few pointers I have that might help you to act more like a decent human being:
Intelligence is not a moral virtue.
It's not the size, it's how you use it.
I think intelligence is great. While I was at school it was my only saving grace; I wasn't good at sport, I wasn't hard working, but I got by because I was smart. I figured that I'd gotten lucky in the genetic lottery; you seem to think that being smart makes you a better person than everyone else.
I can see how you might have come to this conclusion, it's obvious that you've spent most of your life being the smartest person in the room.
How can I tell this?
Well, your annoying-as-shit friends always turn up to class with you, and they're idiots. Between the girl with the big hair, and the girl who collects STD's like Pokemon, I can't see you getting much in the way of mental challenges. As a result, you think that intelligence is how we should measure people; probably because you think you'll always come out on top.
Here's the problem though, I've been in a few classes with you now. I've seen some of the stuff you've produced, and I've heard some of your answers, and... well... the university seems to think that I'm smarter than you are.
Does that mean that I'm a better person than you?
Of course not. To say that I'm a better person because I can answer more questions correctly on a test is like assuming I'm a better person because I have a higher level character in World of Warcraft.
I'm not a better person than you because I'm smarter than you. I'm a better person than you because you're a raging tool.
Predicting the future is not that hard.
You are about to get punched in the dick.
You seem to think anything that's not happening right this second is shrouded in mystery to the rest of us. I'm here to shatter that rather self-serving illusion. This might be hard for you to hear, but most of us can predict what's going to happen a few seconds from now; it's how humanity has survived for millennia.
For example: the car in front of you has its left indicator on. Do you think it's more likely to turn left or right?
Oh my god, HE COULD GO ANYWHERE!
If you answered "right" or "I don't know" then someone should take your licence away. Our ability to use our surroundings to make basic predictions is an essential skill. So why the hell do you act like you've just performed a cunning magic trick every time you use it?
Yesterday the class was split into five groups, so that we could each discuss five questions. You cunningly predicted that, since you were in group five, you would be answering question five. The self-satisfied look you gave the class when you demonstrated your powers of inductive logic filled me with rage. It was all I could do to stop myself leaping over the table and strangling you with that stupid metrosexual scarf you wear. I wanted to feel the tactile satisfaction of cutting off your air supply; watching your eyes bug out and your face go purple as I screamed "Didn't see this coming, did you, you insufferable tosser? Choke! Choke on your arrogance!"
Aren't you glad that I have a modicum of self control?
The more impressed you are with yourself; the less impressed everyone else is.
Oh, and I hope you like it in the back door because... well... it's happening either way.
The Americans have this peculiar phrase describing someone as having a shit-eating grin. I never knew what that meant until I saw that little smile you have. It's the smile of someone who takes his own morning wood as a compliment. Seriously Smug Guy, you need to reign in the smugness, it's starting to impact on your quality of life.
When you're as self-aggrandizing as you seem to be, it starts to act like a kind of psychic body odour that makes people turn away in disgust. I've seen the looks you get in class, I'm not the only one who thinks you have a problem. Even the class tutor seems to be holding back his punching-arm whenever you open your mouth. How do you not see this? I think you might have a shot at getting debilitating arrogance recognised as a medical condition. Perhaps you could start a support group.
The thing is, you don't just act like an arrogant douche, you look like one too. You know when you're walking down the street, and you see some guy who just looks like a drug addict? You have the same thing, except you're drug you're smoking is your own man-flute. I guess what I'm saying is, even before you open your mouth, you look like you touch yourself in front of the mirror, so you can imagine you're doing it with your clone.
You need to stop. The person you're harming most is yourself.
I'd love to help, but if you come near me I'm going to pull off your ridiculous pointy shoes and make you eat them.
Warmest regards,
Sam @ Your Brain on Coffee.
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